Out of plain curiosity (and writer’s block), I decided to look up what I was doing ten years ago to the day in my Livejournal. I don’t know if that makes me cool because I’ve been blogging for over ten years or if that makes my existence very sad.
Ten years ago, I was 17 and still trying to get my driver’s license. Driving stressed me out more than anything and my parents were not the most calm people to have in the car with me. I believe I failed my driver’s test three or four times and I had let my temps expire a few times as well. Driving was not interesting to me and the pressure on me to drive was intense. It was even worse because around this time ten years ago, my father was in a car accident that caused him to lose his license for awhile.
My father had decided to add more pressure onto my driving by saying, “We need you to get your license so you can drive me around.”
I was in my senior year and failing my Government class because of lack of interest. I honestly can’t even tell you what was studied in Government class. Naturally, I assume it had something to do with the US government and how it works or doesn’t work. I only remember two things from that class. The first was when my teacher picked her nose during a morning study session before a test and rolled the booger between her fingers for the entire hour… and the second was when my teacher demonstrated how she walked downtown because she was afraid of getting mugged.
Instead of studying whatever was deemed important, I spent the class reading books about vampires. I might not be able to tell you anything about hanging chads and whatever that had to do with one of our classes, but I can tell you just about everything you’d never wanted to know about Anne Rice’s vampires and beyond.
Anyway, I was under the stress of driving, things going on with my family, and then I didn’t care about school. I knew that passing Government was important and I eventually brought my grade up, but I just did not care. I felt like everything was going to shit… but in my journal, I acknowledged that I had Chris, my boyfriend (of one month at the time). I said he represented hope in my life and I didn’t know where I would be without him.
I predicted that I wouldn’t get my license. That I’d fail government and be writing depressing poetry and blog entries for the rest of my life (which at the time, I assumed would be very short).
Ten years later, I have had my license, but I no longer live in an area where it’s necessary. I passed Government (with what, I don’t know)… I haven’t written a poem in a long time. Maybe I should change that. I’m still writing blogs and in Livejournal, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
I also still have Chris. Ten years later, we’re married. Today, as I was ten years ago to the day, I was feeling depressed. This time for different reasons (such as living behind the couch on an air mattress in someone’s living room, not working on any projects, not being an established anything, and presumably going to be in debt and a starving and struggling artist/writer for the rest of my life), but as I had before, I turned to Christopher. He keeps me hopeful.
He keeps me alive.