The last film set I was on before yesterday, was the set of Revelation Trail. Then yesterday, I had been invited to document some of the filming for the 48 Hour Horror Film Festival in Seattle for my webseries, Neato Kino. During the months between those two sets, I felt like I lost myself.
I always have moments in which I don’t know where I belong. Sometimes I’m uncomfortable in public and often, I have no idea what I’m doing in life.
But that always changes when I’m on set. When I’m on set, I feel like I have purpose. I know who I am when I am working on a film. All shyness leaves me and I am comfortable on set.
Between films, I become anxious and panicked. I lose a part of myself and I try to fill the hole inside me with all sorts of things, whether it be horseback riding, video games, sideshow, or random projects just to keep myself busy. While I enjoy these things, none of them truly fix me. Sometimes, I fall victim to more dangerous things to fix me, but nothing works.
And then it all changes when I’m on set. Suddenly, I realize that’s all I want to do. Every time I’m on set, I fall in love with the process of making movies again and I realize
I belong with movies.
Why do I keep forgetting? I’ve known that movies are where I belong since I was a kid and put into a dragon costume for my brother’s friend’s birthday party video, yet for some reason, I keep losing sight of my goals and dreams.
I’m not the best at screenwriting. Nor am I the best at directing or the most knowledgeable about editing or cameras, but I am passionate. Passion alone won’t get me to the top of the filmmaking mountain, but it will help drive me to do what I want.
This is my declaration to stop getting sidetracked. Whenever I begin to lose sight of what I want to do, I’m going to do something to reel myself back into the arms of film.
My focus at school is screenwriting. I know I want to write and direct. I’m going to stop torturing myself and do what I want.